When I was pregnant I had no doubt in my mind that I would breastfeed, in fact I was determined to make it to a year. Thankfully it was very easy for us, Eleanor has always had a good latch and I have never had any issues with supply. That year has come and gone now, and just before he first birthday I decided that I would wait and let her self-wean when she was ready.
For the past few weeks I haven’t liked breastfeeding, in fact a few times I’ve said I hated it. Every time I sit down it seems to be an invitation for her to climb up on my lap and pull them out for a snack. She is happy to be on the boob every hour, sometime multiple times an hour. There are times where she will nurse for 30 minutes and other times its barely 5 before she gets distracted but if I cover up again she loses it. We’ve done standing nursing, jumping nursing, upside down nursing, food in the face nursing, just-because-i-can nursing. Then there is the scratching, pulling out one boob and two minutes later switching to the other one (repeat 5-10 times), the pinching, the smacking, the headbutting. As much as I’d love to say that I sat and smiled while she did all this, its far from the truth there were times these nursing sessions sent me running to lock myself in the bathroom.
I needed someone to tell me it was okay, so I looked around and I learned some things.
Its normal
She is starting to understand that we aren’t the same person, and her “boobies” can walk away. She has also discovered that she has her own mobility, and she wants to bring “boobies” along, I mean no one would go hiking without a water bottle right? Her nutritional needs are growing with her, although Eleanor does amazing with solids breast milk is still perfectly adjusted to her needs and her body can tell so its no wonder she wants it so much.
It makes her feel better, like most toddlers, Eleanor is constantly falling, tripping and getting frustrated. She doesn’t always need breast milk when she falls but she wants the familiar taste and smell of mom, the skin to skin and the cradled position. I would even go as far as saying that by being so quick to comfort her I’m helping her develop the confidence she will need to comfort herself later on.
Our relationship is changing. She doesn’t always want to be held or worn in a carrier. These days she really likes to get down and do her own thing. Sometimes she loses track of me. Others she gets so busy exploring and playing that she forgot to see what I was up to. And then there are the times where mommy finds her climbing on something she shouldn’t and she’s quickly and quite rudely snatched from the middle of her adventure. In those moments she may need to remember our connection, and an important element of who we are to each other is our breastfeeding and it reaffirms our bond quickly.
Eleanor’s developing behavior is a reminder that she is always growing. My baby is, in fact, leaving babyhood. In our breastfeeding relationship I have realized that I need to set some boundaries Breastfeeding should be a mutual relationship, so it needs to work for both of us.
If I know that she is okay, and doesn’t need to be fed I make her wait for a few minutes before she can nurse if I’m busy.
When she starts to move and twist too much, just like with biting I end it saying “Ouch, that hurts mommy” and putting her down. Sometimes she is happy to go on her way, other times she gets upset, but it seems that she is more settled then.
When I really need a break I offer her something else, juice in her sippy cup or a snack. I love that my milk can sustain her even though her nutritional needs are growing, but I’m not to keen on being a snack bar.
Knowing I can comfort just about any hurt is amazing, but she can get hurt just about every 10 minutes We need to work on other comfort measures. Thankfully we are lucky that we live with family so other arms are always open for cuddles, we’ve even found that others can get her calmed down and moving on much faster then me! So when I’m starting to get irritated they can step in. Its a great preventative measure to keep resentment from building.
Ellie and I are both having to start letting go. I don’t believe she is doing this to manipulate me, its a part of the developmental fast track she’s on. Remembering that she is going through a lot right now reminds me to respond more gently when what I really feel like doing is putting her down and locking myself in the bathroom.
These things help me keep going when it gets tough, and the boundaries give me hope that this won’t be forever. Slowly, my patience is growing.
We’re not going to stop breastfeeding any time soon, neither one of us are ready for that. That doesn’t mean I never feel like stopping, I still feel crazy sometimes but we’re going to be fine.
Thebugandme 